Before I knew what hurt was

When life smelled like flowers and not like pain

This poem represents a difficult chapter in my life, a time filled with pain. But I want you to know, this is no longer my reality. I’m okay now but I still wanted to share this one. I’ve healed, I’ve grown so no worries, Have fun reading :)

I remember how life smelled like flowers when I was younger, and not like hatred.

When my only worry was to be home before it was dark, and not how I am going to keep living when I feel this way.

I remember when I wanted to stay outside because it was fun, not to distract myself from how home sometimes feels.

When I woke up excited every day to play outside with friends, and not now, where I search for reasons to wake up every day when nothing excites me anymore.

The days where I couldn´t sleep because of the excitement rushing tjrough my body when we had a school trip the next day and not now, where I can´t fall asleep because my mind fills with overthinking about my past and future.

The days where the sun hit and the birds were loud, and not the days where the sun feels like it´s burning me alive and the birds have been quiet.

The mornings that felt awesome because there were no worries about grades, friends, or love.

The days where I cried because I fell off the bicycle, not because I fell in love only to get heartbroken.

The days where I loved openly, and not now, where I am afraid to show vulnerability just to protect myself.

The days where the only thing I hated was going to school, and never myself.

The days where I felt like walking love and never questioned if I was worth it.

The days where I learned to write ´´moon,´´ ´´cat´´And not writing my goodbye letters.

The days where I smiled because I was happy, and not the days where I smile to hide the sadness that rots inside of me.

The days where I cried to let mom notice me, not the days where I hide my crying so mom doesn´t have to worry about me.

The days where I zoned out because I watched Dora, not because I am worried about everything.

The days where I hated to go to sleep, not the days where I sleep just to not feel the pain anymore.

The days where I hung out with friends, not now, where many of us don´t speak to each other anymore.

The days where everybody called me cute, not how it is now, being called a bitch.

The days where love was spread, not hateful comments.

The days where I ate so much and didn´t even care, not the days where I constantly starve myself.

The days where I held myself to keep myself warm, not to keep myself together from falling apart.

The days where I hid my dirty clothes, not my scars.

The days where I made a mess with clay and pencils, not the days where I make a mess of my life.

The days where I let go of old clothes that didn´t fit, not now, where I let go of the ones I love most.

The days where I was angry because I couldn´t have my favorite snack, not now, where I am mad because I just can´t understand why someone could ever hurt me like that.

The days where I made my mom and dad full of energy, not now, where I feel like I suck their energy out.

The days I wasn´t afraid to love, not now, where I´m scared to get close.

The days where I ran in the playground not away from my feelings.

The days where I went out with friends to have fun, not now, where they take me out because they´re worried I might lose it all.

The days where I was happy that men protected me, not now, where men are the ones hurting me.

The days where I was scared of monsters under my bed, not the ones inside my head.

The days where the dark scared me, not the darkness in people´s hearts.

The days where people only looked at my cute face and smile, not now, where they look my body up and down.

The days where men looked at me with love, not with lust.

The days where people loved me for who I am, not for what I do for them.

The days where eating was a priority, not a worry.

The days where sadness lasted a few minutes, not months.

The days where I told myself, ´´I´m going to have 2 cats, 3 dogs, 3 birds, a husband and kids´´, not now, where I say, ´´I´ll be better off by myself.´´

The days where my head was full of Nickelodeon, not full of stress.

The days where bruises were easier to handle than a broken heart.

The days where hands were filled with sand, not pain.

The days I talked about, ´´I want to grow up´´, and not now, where I say, ´´I wish I was a kid again.´´

~Imie